Let's Share

I have started, saved, deleted, re-written and returned to this post innumerable times in the past 10 days.  It's even still Titled "untitled" in my post list.

So what the hell am I trying to say? 

I don't know anymore because I am just not sure what to think.  This whole parenting gig....once again, it's not the way it looked in the brochure.

Since Bianca was about 3 or so, I've had suspicions that she might be ADD.  I know that's way too early to diagnose and so I put my Mom-observations in a box on the shelf to examine again later.  That time is here.  And I'm just so overwhelmed with information that I don't know what to do with myself.

Bianca is 6 and in first grade.  Traits that I've noticed in the past are becoming more pronounced.  Things like an inability to concentrate on tasks.  Distractedness, forgetfulness, disorganization.  Divergent thinking.  Selective deaf-ness.  A growing dislike of school.  I've also noticed a serious decline in her at home behavior since first grade started.  Though I'm told she's just lovely at school.

But, you know, she's SIX.  So  how much of this is normal 6 year old?  How much is just her personality because, God help me, she is *just*like*me*  Stubborn, strong willed, literal.  (Yes, thanks Mom....your curse worked.)  Could it be the fact that it's just me & her and we can get very intense on one another sometimes?  Could she just be tuning out what she doesn't want to hear (namely ME nagging her...)?

So I have all these things swirling in my head:  Normal.  ADD.  Creative thinker.  Brat.  Spirited Child.  Learning styles.  Special needs.  Edison Trait.  Crappy parenting. 

Somehow I feel like whatever is going on, I've screwed up something major.  Either I made her this way or I've failed to recognize and advocate for whatever her special talents and needs may be.  And then I go "Get over it, this is not about you.  Spotlight whore."  I judge me and so I feel judged by everyone else, too.

I had a conference with her teacher recently and, where I assumed she was falling short in school, I learned it just the opposite.  I see her constantly straining but it turns out she struggles with the format of certain exercises, but she is grasping the material extremely well.  Whatever else is or is not going on, I have no doubt she is a bright child and a creative thinker.  It could be simply that she doesn't adapt well to convergent thinking/learning.  So here's me....expecting the school to come up with ways to reach her at her own level. And yet, at home, I want her to conform to MY way in my timeline.  No wonder we are butting heads all the time. 

I am exhausted over this situation and I cannot see it clearly.  I am emotionally vested to the hilt.  If anyone knows a way to motivate a possible ADD-divergent-creative thinker-spirited child into doing her homework and brushing her teeth in under 60 minutes, please do share.  If you don't have that, but you do have some....say....wine or Valium....you can share that, instead.