Thursday, November 18, 2010

Fill 'er Up

That old the glass half full or half empty?  Because apparently your answer to this one question labels you an optimist or a pessimist. 

I recently began this nutritional program.  Oh, who am I kidding?  Let's call a spade a spade.  It's a diet.  A hard diet with a big, fat capital D.  My Dr (who is very lucky that I love him or else he may have found himself wearing 2 weeks worth of protein least they "claim" to be protein shakes though I'm completely convinced if you did a blind taste test of vanilla shake vs wallpaper paste, the results would be 50/50) was extremely vague about the details of this "program" before he loaded me up with a box of assorted powders, liquids and supplements.  I understood shortly thereafter he had been vague on purpose because if I'd fully comprehended what I was signing up for, I would not have done it.  Not one freaking chance in hell.

So I start my days off drinking this scrumptious cleanse drink.  How does it taste?  Why don't you pour yourself a glass of prune juice, add an equal amount of Robitussin cough syrup and top it off with some finely powdered dirt.  Stir.  Enjoy.  Top o' the morning to ya.

I'm ready to make breakfast!
 An hour later, I get to have my wallpaper paste for breakfast.  I've gotten it down to a (mad) science where I don my goggles and hunch over my shaker bottle with a carefully concocted blend of (Diet acceptable) potions and elixers so that I don't immediately vomit when I drink it.  (hmmm, on second thought maybe that was the's like bulemia without the toothbrush down your throat!)  For snacks, I can have things like one pecan or two almonds.  I kid you not....that is their suggested snack.  And notice that is an "OR", not even a pecan AND two almonds.  This is not a snack, people.  That is what I vacuum off my car floor mat every week.  Meals are limited and I only eat dinner twice a week.  The other five days, it's another shake.  Okay, I gave up sugar.  And carbs.  And sugar.  And COFFEE for the love of all things holy.  A single, working Mom and I gave up coffee.  And snacking, and fast food.  And sugar.  And coffee.

Three weeks into this torture and I've lost 10 pounds.  Okay....I get it.  It's 10 pounds.  It's a step in the right direction.  But, for the torment of the last 3 weeks, it should be like 40 pounds.  Really.  Nevermind that my Dr, who looked fine to begin with, did the program and lost like 18 pounds in five hours.  (Am convinced men drop five pounds when they just think the word *diet*  Bastards.)

So Dr 18-pounds-lost-Bastard is getting all woo-hooey on me.  Yeah, 10 pounds, that's awesome!!  As I give him the death stare accompanied by flaring nostrils. 

So is my glass half empty?  I fully recognize and appreciate my half full, 10 pound glass.  But why isn't it all the way full with 40 pounds already?  Pessimist?  No.  Optimist?  Not so much.  Why-The-Hell-Not-ist?  Yep, that's me.

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