Thursday, November 25, 2010

Miracles Will Have to Wait

Gosh, I love Christmas. 

I've had my ups and downs with it.  I'll keep it brief by saying my childhood was dysfunctional, to say the very least.  Christmas was a time for my mother to overcompensate for everything that sucked the other 364 days of the year.

When I was married, holy crap, I was miserable.  And I had no desire to celebrate but my ex made my life a living hell if I didn't so I had to put on the happy face while slowly dying on the inside.

My first divorced Christmas was in 2003.  I think I still felt pretty numb.  I didn't want hoopla.  I didn't even really want gifts or company.  I ended up alone which is what I wanted but turned out to feel really horrible.  I'd been separated/divorced for 6 months and had been HARD CORE serially dating.  I felt empty.  Who would have ever known that the following Christmas, I'd have a baby?  Not me.  That's for damn sure.  Especially since I'd been told I'd never had children.  But that's another post for another day.

Since then, Christmas has grown exponentially in joy with each passing year.  Bianca is so into it.  I am so into it.  We've already put up our tree and are full force into watching Christmas movies.  The other day I was thinking about Miracle on 34th Street, one of my favorites.  I asked Bianca if she'd ever seen it.  No, she answers, what is it about?  I start to tell her it's about a little girl who doesn't believe in Santa and then she meets him and finds out he is real because......oh shit....because she asks for a dad and he gets it for her.  Shit shit shit I can't tell her that.  I fall silent and she, not one to let me get away with not finishing my thought starts hounding "What happens?  How does she know he's real?" 

Ummmm, ummmm "LOOK!  Something shiny!  Let's go out to dinner, wherever you want!  How about ice cream?  Want a pony??"

She's long since in bed and I'm watching Miracle on TV.  I wish it worked the way you see it in the movies.  Going to be a few years til I can share this holiday favorite with her.

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